Saturday morning my boss sent me a text at 3:30am informing me that my “chariot” was awaiting, which was his cheeky way of saying he was at my house to pick me up for my requested trip to the airport. Funnily enough, he was in front of my neighbor’s house instead of mine. Joe was supposed to drive me to the airport, but his habits have become erratic as to whether I can anticipate him being home or not, so I had made alternate plans with Kaitie for her to drive me but with the semester having just wrapped up she was running on practically zero sleep so I went with the offers I had gotten from co-workers.

Back in October things were getting hectic, life, home, work, past, future, all in a messy culmination of stress. I was having trouble focusing on anything, present or future, I was stuck in ruminations over the past which was causing a form of depression.

I decided to go out on a limb and plan a trip. I needed to make a change, make human connection, to get out of my head and back into the world. I took a chance. Partially also, because Joe was at the time planning on going to Florida with Tony over Christmas and if he could take off, so could I. Now as things are coming to fruition I’ve been mildly amused to discover that he no longer plans to go on his trip because he says he can’t afford it. The only reason I could afford my trip was because I bought the ticket back in October when I actually had the money, and because I’m staying with friends. I’m also not going out to eat every night of the week, indulging in energy drinks daily, smoking cigarettes, or going out to the bar every night, and I’m saving everything that I can, because… lets face it… I don’t have any other choice. As this news letter is published, my trip nears its end. Being away from home, work, and blood relations has allowed for a type of mental clarity that I must have subconsciously known I needed. Quite simply, its easier to see the bigger picture when you aren’t drowning in it. Without realizing I was doing it I partook in some of my dad’s better advice of taking a step back from a situation to be able to evaluate it better. And again, every chance I’ve gotten, I’ve taken the time to slow down and just observe. I’ve been basking in sunlight (because there is a shortage back home lol), I’ve been watching squirrels and being amused at how much smaller and less diverse they are here, listening to bird song (familiar and unusual), watching the stars and the birds of prey and listening to air traffic (which is a little less intrusive here than at home, but still as frequent). I’ll write more on this next week.

This Christmas Eve I’m supposed to go to my MIL’s house for dinner, I’m not riding there with Joe because I want to have the ability to leave if things get weird or if I’ve had too much of the cigarette smoke. Which, lets face it… I can barely handle in small doses. And I’m pretty sure that Kaitie is riding with me. On Christmas day we are supposed to attend a “party” at a co-worker’s house that he affectionately refers to as “Orphan Christmas” for anyone who doesn’t have anyone to spend the holiday with. If memory serves, it was originally a gathering of queer family he had collected along the way who had lost their families to bigotry and hate. He hosts this every year on Christmas day, and it becomes a day of food, movies, and good company made up of extended chosen family. I don’t technically not have anyone to spend the holiday with, but we’re going through some rough changes this year so it seems fitting that me and my child attend. He is making sure that there are at least a couple of gluten free dishes that I can partake in and I’m bringing gluten free, sugar free peanut butter cookies… now that I know for sure there isn’t anyone that will be attending that is allergic to peanuts. The following day I have to return to work for one day, but it will just be me any my boss… none of our technicians are working that day. So I’m bringing in the Go board with the possible expectation that we are going to do a little gaming. He might also be bringing his wife to work with him so that we can all go to lunch at a place that makes hand pulled noodles (rice noodles too!), I might be bringing my child to work with me too. Immediately after work I’m going to drive out to my sister’s to spend a day or 2 with her and my nephew before I have to go back to work again on that Monday. And then after work that Tuesday I’ll be driving back out to her house to spend the new year there and taking the Friday off after New Year’s day, so I have a 5 day weekend.

I exist in an almost constant state of music consumption, sometimes it shapes my mood and other times it echoes it, a soundtrack from a blip in my life.

Today is 12/13. It is the anniversary of my chosen brother's birth. The brother who came into my life when I was in second grade, just after I had lost my best friend to distance, who became family as much as friend, but also more. We shared something that neither of us had a name for but it was built on the understanding that comes from constructing salads in a bedroom at 1 in the morning with all the bells and whistles, late night road trips across counties to find a 24 hour Walmart and buying each other pool cues and matching cases, from sharing text messages that make no sense to anyone else but would make one of us appear at the other's door step.

He used to sit on the floor of my bedroom, me perched on the edge of my bed plucking his gray hairs, at his behest. We were rollercoaster buddies, ready to make the day trip to Cedar Point any given summer morning, even though the ones that really pulled some G’s would cause him to lose his color vision. We played pool at the local bowling alley most nights. I designed one of his tattoos and was there when he had the work done, actually I was there when he had most, if not all of his tattoos done.

He was in many ways, my best friend. We were bad decision buddies. We were each other's positive support systems. Late night Blockbuster movie night cohorts. Do anything to quell the boredom companions.

I forgot that his birthday was coming up this month. Funny how death becomes the utmost expression of object permanence. I think if I had remembered, I might have planned this trip differently, though now, in the moment, I'm glad I didn't give myself the chance. Sometimes it's better to be able to mourn away from people who share those memories, so that you don’t have to feel like you are being triggered by the grief of others or overshadowing their grief with your own.

I’ve been advised against indulging this train of thought, but I think that I owe it to my memory of him to acknowledge the passage of this date. Besides, this grief is only 6 months old… its not like the loss of my dad which is more than 2 years past. And admittedly I’m recovering from this loss way better than I did that one. Probably because Mark wasn’t embedded in my trauma.

Even as much as I miss him, I’m not overwhelmed with grief like I probably could be if I hadn’t been processing the loss even before it happened. As much as I wanted him to recover from the brain tumor, for the radiation therapy to eradicate the cancer, I knew that the cancer was aggressive, and the treatments they were providing were too modest to keep up with the war that was going on within his body. Do I wonder if me saying something about that could have made a difference? Sure, but I don’t dwell on it, because ultimately his early treatment was in his hands and we discussed much about it. I voiced my concerns then, and he approached the situation with knowledge and sound mind. So I don’t feel like I should have any regrets about my actions. All this to say that even when we went to visit him in January of 2025, after his first encounter with a brain tumor I suspected that the worst case scenario was going to play out and made my peace with it when we saw him for what was the last time.

Many of us participate in gift-giving traditions this time of year, revolving around various religious, and some secular practices. But more and more of us are finding year after year that the purse strings are getting tighter. If you’re like me, the purse contents for gift buying this year is non-existent. Now is a great time to explore the world of hand made gifts… not gifts that someone else has made by hand, but things that you make to give to your friends and family.

As an extra middle finger to capitalism, IF you have the funds to buy something and you have an art lover to buy for, consider supporting independent artists.

See previous weeks for other artist recommendations.

DIY

Seasonal Recipe

This recipe came from a friend who is from Brazil, I alter the recipe when I make it so that it has no added sugar in it. I substitute sugar with granulated monkfruit. The shredded chocolate ratio is pretty forgiving with this recipe, as long as you don’t just go with ALL like 98% cacao… that could be a problem for the flavor. But I haven’t tried it so I can’t tell you for sure. If you have the time and resources, along with the desire to try it out… don’t let me stop you. In fact, knock yourself out, and please report back with the results… I am curious, but not curious enough to try it myself.

About the Author

I am Sarah, a late blooming queer individual exploring my past experiences through introspection and internal work as well as talking to others and having conversations that lead to further thought experiments. This is an evolution of being in real time.

I’ve written heavily on the grief of losing my father suddenly and how that has resulted in my transformation, and the grief of losing my friend and brother to cancer. I’m writing more recently on my experiences and realizations and incorporating some DIY and hobby content where I can.

Thank you for reading 🙂

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