The holidays are depressing for a lot of people. For some it is due to the loss of loved ones, others experience Seasonal Affective Disorder. And then there are those of us who are just tired of the consumerism, the demand that we “buy, Buy, BUY” when as a society we already have too much “stuff”. Add that on top of the fact that the holidays around which these capitalistic demands are centered are the Christian appropriation of old world and indigenous traditions.

I yearn to create new traditions. Something that centers being social without the expectation of gift giving. If I find something that brings a person to mind, I don’t want to have to wait until a “special occasion” to give it to them. I prefer to give tokens of appreciation and gratitude throughout the year without the expectation of receiving something in return.

This year’s gift giving takes the form of books for my child and educational stuff for my nephew, and probably just spending quality time with the rest of the people I care about… at least the ones who are near by. The difficulty of the holidays is compounded by the fact that there are people I care about spread through the country that it may be months or years before I get to see them. I do have a long time friend/sister coming in from Texas with her son over the holiday. We’ve known each other since Kindergarten and have seen each other through some shit. It will be good to see her.

I exist in an almost constant state of music consumption, sometimes it shapes my mood and other times it echoes it, a soundtrack from a blip in my life.

The YouTube link is a playlist.

I’m finding that choosing me is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It feels like I’m being selfish after 42 years of finding ways to be there for other people, empathizing with other people’s pain, anxiety, and self doubt, and showing up for them in it. And when people show up for me in the same ways that I have always show up for others I question motivations, because for some reason I don’t feel like I’m deserving of it.

Finding ways to fulfill some kind of tangible need for others has been the only “desire” I’ve been the recipient of that has ever felt authentic. Emotional support, helping my sister with child care solutions, taking care of my mother’s laundry and taking out her trash weekly, being the one who handled the bills in my relationship, EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. MY. HOBBIES. All catering to the needs of others.

How do I break myself of this? How do I prove to myself that I deserve what I want without feeling like I have to prove it to anyone else? What the fuck to I even want?

That’s the ultimate question isn’t it. (not THE ultimate question, though the irony of the fact that I started “becoming” at 42 isn’t lost on me.) What it boils down to, the baseline is that I want to be accepted, for people to want to be around me without me having to prove worth through performing value, to stop feeling like the only way people will want to be part of my life is if I bring something special to the table rather than just wanting to be around me for me. To feel safe to feel and to share those feelings openly. To be able to let my guard down. To be held.

Maybe these sound like mundane things, but after how this year has gone, mundane would be welcome. And the dust settling sooner than later would be great too.

So many contemplations for the end of the year.

Many of us participate in gift-giving traditions this time of year, revolving around various religious, and some secular practices. But more and more of us are finding year after year that the purse strings are getting tighter. If you’re like me, the purse contents for gift buying this year is non-existent. Now is a great time to explore the world of hand made gifts… not gifts that someone else has made by hand, but things that you make to give to your friends and family.

As an extra middle finger to capitalism, IF you have the funds to buy something and you have an art lover to buy for, consider supporting independent artists.

more to come…

DIY

This year, like last year, I made apple sauce and apple butter. Unfortunately I made the apple sauce in the smaller jars and the apple butter in the larger ones. I’m finding that I haven’t made nearly enough apple butter! Everyone wanted some and I’m now down to my last jar… that isn’t going to last until next fall.

Seasonal Recipe

I plan to attempt these over the holiday break from work, but I’m going to use the gluten free flour and sub all of the types of sugar with the Monkfruit variation, and Black Strap Molasses as it has the lowest glucose content of all the molasses that I’ve been able to find so far.

About the Author

I am Sarah, a late blooming queer individual exploring my past experiences through introspection and internal work as well as talking to others and having conversations that lead to further thought experiments. This is an evolution of being in real time.

I’ve written heavily on the grief of losing my father suddenly and how that has resulted in my transformation, and the grief of losing my friend and brother to cancer. I’m writing more recently on my experiences and realizations and incorporating some DIY and hobby content where I can.

Thank you for reading 🙂

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