I find myself taking steps. Steps that once seemed so big, now seem so small. Dwarfed by steps yet to be taken.

Putting my foot down

Mapping clear expectations, rather than expecting him to come to the same conclusions based on us having the same end point of divorce and selling the house.

Providing deadlines, and explaining how each change impacts other things.

I’m trying to maintain compassion (because I’m really not a terrible person) while ALSO maintaining boundaries.

This week is the expectation of him taking over his own truck payment and getting his own auto insurance established for February so we can finally separate that financial tie.

I hear about divorces being “messy” and that is usually from an emotional standpoint, one party getting hurt and taking it out on the other by making demands that make the situation that much more difficult. But after being together for 22 years and most parts of our lives being entwined, is there any way for it to NOT be messy?!? I’m trying to execute this separation in the most precise and surgical way possible, and so that I’m not doing damage (or at least not lasting financial damage) to either of us I’m trying to go somewhat slowly.

Yes, this divorce is emotionally messy too, but not in the way that I see other couples where one or both parties intentionally do things out of spite for the other. My one friend was being cheated on, and where she lives, if that is cited as the reason for divorce the cheater forfeits custody of the children. She didn’t mention anything about it because she didn’t want to rob him or the children of that relationship. For her trouble he sold the house out from under her. So with a situation like that in mind… I’m doing what I can to protect myself financially at the very least.

Its going to be an interesting year.

I exist in an almost constant state of music consumption, sometimes it shapes my mood and other times it echoes it, a soundtrack from a blip in my life.

I find myself feeling homesick, even though I’m at “home”.

Can you be homesick for a place you have never lived?

Can the feeling of homesickness manifest for a person instead of a place?

While I don’t definitively have the answers to any of these questions, to me it feels like the answer is yes.

I find myself feeling homesick for a person. Wanting, needing, desiring to be near them

I had a thought about how by my dad shaming me and my sister out of different behaviors; he was teaching us to mask our ADHD which is probably why neither of us were ever diagnosed. And probably why I have such apprehension about seeking out therapy now.

About the Author

I am Sarah, a late blooming queer individual exploring my past experiences through introspection and internal work as well as talking to others and having conversations that lead to further thought experiments. This is an evolution of being in real time.

I’ve written heavily on the grief of losing my father suddenly and how that has resulted in my transformation, and the grief of losing my friend and brother to cancer. I’m writing more recently on my experiences and realizations and incorporating some DIY and hobby content where I can.

Thank you for reading 🙂

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