It is the first full week of the new year. For those of us who choose healthier options regularly or to attend the gym regularly, we will be experiencing a little inconvenience as all these people decide to take on the “New year, new me” approach and try to dive head first into completely new routines. Ground chicken and turkey will be in higher demand at grocery stores, so you may not be able to find it as readily as you are used to, salad, fruits, and vegetables will be in higher demand as well. Those who enjoy meat alternatives may find themselves in a similar pickle. And then there will be the crowding at the gym as people attempt to shed their weight goals with as minimal amount of effort on their part as possible.

Many of these people are going to fall off the wagon after a month or 2, and things will get back to “normal” just before spring.

Several years ago I made a new years resolution… to never make another new years resolution again. And I can say that I’ve stuck to it. But in stead of making a resolutions at the start of the year I tend to make my big changes at times of the season when I have the energy to stick to it long enough to make it habit. The start of the coldest and most gloomy time of the year is NOT the time to start new habits, you are just setting yourself up for failure.

I gave up sugar in 2018 in September and haven’t looked back. I gave up gluten last year in August, and again, haven’t looked back. Because I had the energy and stamina to maintain the new behavior until it became habit/muscle memory.

I exist in an almost constant state of music consumption, sometimes it shapes my mood and other times it echoes it, a soundtrack from a blip in my life.

How does one perform guilt while simultaneously professing to not feel guilt for a situation? How does one say they know they hurt someone but doesn’t see the obvious step of apologizing. (Especially if they apologize for literally everything else)

I feel like I should be mourning the loss of a relationship, even though this is really just the closure that was required for reality to match the internal damage that had been done to me. This relationship should have been over what feels like ages ago, probably before it ever really started, but my heart was blind to the red flags because everything was so new and I was actively burning everything else down around me.

Do I miss the person she was like 25% of the time, sure. But the way I was treated the other 75% of the time, that hollow, lonely, anxious, pain isn’t worth the short bursts of euphoria. She never really had space for me in her life, and never had the intention of filling the space I made for her in mine.

SEASONAL

Seasonal depression is a bigger problem than most people realize, especially in the northern states where everything gets covered in a blanket of white… including the sky. The snow starts to turn as gray as the clouds, and as the cars get caked with salt, they blend right in with the monochromatic landscape (cityscape?). The lack of sunlight is a big part of it, on a day like today its obvious. Its after 9am and it still looks like the sun is just starting to rise.

Full spectrum lights have been a great addition to my winter blues battle kit, that and doubling my vitamin D intake about half way through the fall until early to mid spring. But none of those things can replace the treatment of a trained psychologist or psychiatrist if you are facing depression.

About the Author

I am Sarah, a late blooming queer individual exploring my past experiences through introspection and internal work as well as talking to others and having conversations that lead to further thought experiments. This is an evolution of being in real time.

I’ve written heavily on the grief of losing my father suddenly and how that has resulted in my transformation, and the grief of losing my friend and brother to cancer. I’m writing more recently on my experiences and realizations and incorporating some DIY and hobby content where I can.

Thank you for reading 🙂

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