Saturday 4/18: I arrived early in the morning, instead of late in the evening the night before. We all attempted to sleep when we got home, and while the rest, the proximity, and the opportunity to stretch out instead of being curled up across two seats on that rattling old bus was desperately needed, sleep was elusive.

We ended up going out for brunch and then grocery shopping for all of the ingredients we were going to need for the amazing line up of meals we were planning.

We went grocery shopping for all of the ingredients for all the food we planned on preparing over the next several days. Somehow the tedious, and anxiety fueling task of grocery shopping became an enjoyable experience shared with them.

That night dinner was a collaboration of effort and was enjoyed with a movie, and cuddles.

Mornings were slow, because continued proximity was exquisite, and no one wanted to get out of bed. When we finally did, breakfast was a necessity.

After doing a little shopping at a store front with a name that caught my attention, we ended up at our destination, which was a coffee shop with a collection of most interesting light fixtures. I had never seen lights like these, and I noticed 2 places with the same kinds of lights on this trip.

Breakfast decided to argue with my insides while we were here, which led me to taking pictures of the bathroom. The oddly shaped mirror, the large chunk of wood as the counter for the sink and the design of the faucet and sink really got my attention.

Nature Walk: I can’t divulge the name of the place where we hiked because that would reveal too much, but it felt great to get back out into nature. The last time I took a nature hike was months after my father passed. It was good to reconnect with nature in a new location and in a way that is completely detached from the loss of my father.

We went our for Italian for dinner… because Italian with gluten free options is hard to come by… and I’m not sure if there is a more romantic cuisine. I’m also not sure what about having Italian is actually romantic, but it just seems widely accepted as being a romantic dinner option.

Tuesday was a remote work day, a half day for me. We had leftovers for breakfast and after I wrapped up my work for the day, I prepped pasta salad for the next evening. We made sandwiches for lunch. I think this was the only day we didn’t nap, but there was plenty of time and opportunity for emotional and physical connection in spite of that.

For dinner we went out for BBQ… not just BBQ, but probably the best BBQ I’ve had in a long time. That brisket was the most tender I’ve ever had. It practically melted in my mouth. We sat close in our rotating configuration, a thigh pressed against my thigh, and hands held across the table.

All the way home, hands being held and caressed. We watched another movie, in another rotating configuration of contact. Moving on to more sensual contract.

Wednesday was a home day and another slow morning, home cooked meals, a movie, and taking care of each other. We cooked together, every meal today. Communicating, moving around each other and with one another. Preparing food with people you love is a little like dancing… I can’t dance, but I can cook and nourishing each other is important.

We watched a movie while we ate dinner, and while our planned evening activities didn’t play out as anticipated, there was still plenty of physical and emotional connection made and maintained.

When we returned from breakfast my travel anxiety kicked in, and I repacked my suitcase as a means to channel my anxiety into something at least mildly useful. Eventually we ended up laying down to cuddle and be close to each other and try to forget about my impending departure, this did more to assuage my anxiety than any amount of repacking could have achieved. I was able to get out of my mind and back into my body through physical contact and emotional connection. Unplanned activities becoming exactly what we all needed at that moment.

Before we left for the airport we took the time for one last meal and to indulge in a slice of the cheese cake I had made the night before. We begrudgingly packed my luggage into the car and got on our way. We parked and walked through the airport to the line for the security checkpoint, no time to sit and talk this time… not that any amount of sitting and talking would have made that “farewell” any easier.

From my perspective,
You are both better than I deserve
You care, love, and do more for me than anyone ever has.
I feel like you spoil me with all that you do.

I trust you both now, even more than i did before… and I didn’t think I could trust anyone more than I trusted you both before.
I trust you both implicitly, explicitly, and completely!

Right now my primary focus is on how amazing the week we spent together was.
Physical proximity, causing such intense emotional and physical reactions in all of us. Even as amazing as that week was, the end arrived too soon. But we could have spent an entire month together, and it still wouldn’t have been enough to make me ready to go home.

My secondary focus is how amazing seeing you both next time will be.
I refuse to see a negative in us parting ways temporarily because distance will continue to build that delicious and nearly delirious tension. And next time will be a glorious reunion, accented with new experiences and new sights to see.

I said it at the airport, that this isn't goodbye... it's see you next time.

And as I've said before, my devotion isn't fleeting.
When I love, I do so with my entire being.
My whole heart is committed to caring for you both.
Distance won't change that, and proximity will only build it.

While I was away, tending to a blossoming relationship, my flowers back home were blooming. They are like a silent visual confirmation of the positive influence I’m feeling, like the physical manifestation of the love that it so intense it cannot be contained and feels like it is emanating from my very core.

But tonight, I’m missing them both. Missing their proximity, the nearly constant contact, the cuddling and the kisses, the half hearted attempts to tickle me, the slow mornings, and even the sleepless nights. I miss the metaphorical dancing in the kitchen, I miss the exploration and establishing of boundaries, and I miss how we all learned to move together and trust each other to move, like it was as natural as breathing. The distance hurts, but working toward closing that distance short term AND long term feels good emotionally.

I exist in an almost constant state of music consumption, sometimes it shapes my mood and other times it echoes it, a soundtrack from a blip in my life.

Invisibly
still I'm drawn
Influenced like the moon moves the tide.

Moved
by forces I can't see
but they are felt through all of me.

Electricity
arcing across my skin
with even the slightest brushing of fingers across flesh.

A storm
building within me
all loud thunder, brilliant lightning, and soothing rain.

My heart
aches with the distance
and races with the proximity

My mind
drifting to the past
getting lost in time spent.

My imagination
wandering through what could be
getting carried away by possibility.

Time passing
distance closing
until, finally, we are together, once again.

When I was a kid, I was exposed to a LOT of philosophical concepts. Most of these things went way over my head at the time. But sometimes through the recent excavation of my past, these concepts reveal themselves again… for the first time.

…This is ALSO not one of those times…

He was judgmental and would have had nothing but negativity to direct at my new found happiness. I also would never have been able to get this far on my personal journey if he was still here. In some ways his voice still tries to sabotage me, raising questions that have no place here. My logical brain knows this, but yet some days, in the dark, I battle my self doubt.

I’m not going to let his distrust of people influence reality. Just like I won’t let the negativity of any family member poison my clarity with their hatred.

DIY

I’m highlighting this article this week, because I recently gave away my last jar of no sugar added apple butter. It went to a new part of my family, which I love very much. I wouldn’t give my last jar of my favorite homemade condiment to just ANYBODY.

About the Author

I am Sarah, a late blooming queer individual exploring my past experiences through introspection and internal work as well as talking to others and having conversations that lead to further thought experiments. This is an evolution of being in real time.

I’ve written heavily on the grief of losing my father suddenly and how that has resulted in my transformation, and the grief of losing my friend and brother to cancer. I’m writing more recently on my experiences and realizations and incorporating some DIY and hobby content where I can.

Thank you for reading 🙂

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