Today I bought a locking door handle.

For reasons unknown, my phone likes to try to autocorrect that to “licking” door handle which is weird and kind of funny.

I attempted to take the old handle off, but quickly realized that this house is old and the doors are original. So the hole in the door isn’t going to be big enough for the handle that I bought. This means I have to wait until tomorrow to borrow the tools I’ll need to do the installation effectively, or be without a locking door.

I’m afraid that when I ask for the tools, Joe is going to try to help me or try to do it for me. I don’t want the help, it will have some kind of expectation attached to it. And besides, its not like drills are penis operated machinery. I can do it myself, I just can’t afford to buy the tools.

Back in early August I placed an order for new underwear and it was never delivered. I did a little digging, only to find out I was never charged. There was no further communication from the vendor after the confirmation of the purchase. I don’t know what happened. But when I went to see what the total would be if I placed it today… it was nearly $200 which is fucking insane for underwear, and half of that was for 2 bras.

I haven’t bought a new bra in over 10 years. The ones I have are bristling with worn out elastic and the clasps in the back of most of them have been mangled or are broken. Thankfully each one has 2 clasps, but that doesn’t make for a very secure fit. Not that they are all that supportive any more. But after realizing that its going to cost me 2 weeks of groceries to get new underpants and bras, the idea of just having my tits cut off for the purpose of not having to buy bras anymore is kind of appealing. I’ve never cared much for them anyhow, and fuck the pink tax! And no, I can’t just go without the hated undergarment… I sweat way too much without it. Boob sweat is a thing, its gross feeling, and makes it look like I’m lactating.

I’m just so over it! The expense of everything, the discomfort of undergarments, living with my ex, waiting for the country to implode, and boob sweat. Once upon a time I had a friend, until I explained that I wouldn’t have sex with him anymore. Then things changed. But in the changing I realized how much they were actually staying the same. He’s no different than he ever was, I’m just seeing how much he didn’t show interest in anything I had going on.

I thought that I would still have a friend, but its clear that ship has sailed. He unloads his news about work and has no follow through with the conversation. But it has become very clear to me, that he never did have the follow through. I just didn’t realize it before. I don’t know if I just shared with him without being prompted before or what, but none of that happens now.

I wonder if our mutual decision to “stay married, but do our own things” was just a ploy for control. I wonder if we should just go ahead and get a divorce. Would he still pay for our daughter’s tuition? How much pulling of teeth would it take for him to get his own car insurance? Or for him to get on his own phone bill? Or any other number of things that we share the payments for…

Where would he live? Should I even care? Should I care that he would have to pay me alimony, or what that would do to him financially? Why do I feel like I would have to teach him how to pay bills and manage his finances? Why is he such a fucking child?

I’m ready to just walk away from the entire situation. I don’t want this house, or the passive aggressive bullshit that comes with living in it with him. If I have to move back into my mother’s house, then so be it!

It open enrollment season, time to remove him from my insurance and sign up for that legal coverage again… I have a feeling I’m going to need it.