In the twilight between chapters of life is where I find myself currently. Hanging in a perceptible limbo between “was” and “am”, between “spouse” and “ex”, “existing” and “healing”.

The moving from one, to the other, is where I am, blinking blearily at the world as it spins past me. Events happening within my scope but at my peripherals have intensified too, but completely unrelated. Its hard to keep up with what’s going on in the world when I’m experiencing so much first hand chaos, close to and in my own home.

Evolution of self.

Compartmentalizing

Learning

Growing

Really accepting

But also… healing

Healing is probably the most important piece. It may not be the first piece, but without it, there will be no forward motion.

But healing does not look like dwelling in sadness. Dwelling in sadness (or dwelling in self pity, as my dad would have called it), will only lead to a cycle of depression caused by biting more off than I can chew. It is healthier for me to digest the challenges along side successes, in bite sized pieces when I can.

The rest of this month, it is going to be difficult to manage smaller pieces with the anniversary date coming up in a week.

I was talking to a friend about the situation, the “grief”, the plan, the hard line, and the loose timeline. She explained that what I’m dealing with right now is normal for what I’ve experienced but that I still have the good things that came from my marriage. “A partner through tough times. And a lovely child.” She continued, “There is a saying [that] you get 3 loves in your life. Your first is your first. Usually superficial and quickly dying. 2nd is the one that you needed at that point or season in your life. And the 3rd is your true love. I forget who talks about it but it helps to think about the good that has come from your life and why the potential perceived bad now was good and what was needed at the time.”

She also affirmed my belief that to involve another person in my life while the dust is still settling, would be unwise, and would only muddy the work I need to do in my own head space. I don’t know that there is a real timeline for this, but I’m standing by it for a year before I re-evaluate my situation.

Now that I’m re-reflecting on these words it makes me wonder how fleeting 22 years is. Currently it doesn’t seem that fleeting, its more than half my life. There was no one before that, but he was what I needed in that season of my life. The societal normal that I needed to perform, for myself as much as for society.

There is nothing to grieve in realizing that I’ve out grown that relationship. And there is nothing to grieve in a “life not lived” because I wasn’t meant to live it then. If I had tried to live it then, as unsure as I was, I wouldn’t have gone through what I needed to experience in order to make me dig up all of the things I’ve uncovered about my past. This is part of healing from my past as much as it is part of healing my present.