Back in March of this year my child and I went to a concert to see Joywave, and little image was the opener. That was my first exposure to this group, and immediately sought them out on Spotify. They have a great sound!

Fast forward to mid June, I’m driving out to my sister’s alone I’m listening to a playlist of my most recent favorites and singing my heart out to the inside of my vehicle. One of my oldest friends is in hospice with a rapidly growing brain tumor. Its swelling, putting pressure on his brain and causing it to hemorrhage.

This song came up next and I started belting it out, really putting my heart into it… and then the chorus hit.

At about the second time “It’s the pressure” was said, I started choking on my words and the tears started to flow. I knew why I was crying, but I sang louder practically screaming the lyrics. I think I even repeated the song a couple of times and continued to scream/sing until my voice was cracking and my face was red and puffy from the tears.

It was the closest thing I could get to screaming at the universe, an angry request that Mark be allowed peace.

I haven’t been brought back into this grief in what feels like months… but I know why it has come around now. In 2 weeks his celebration of life happens. It makes me ponder how he would have processed what I’m experiencing. I have no doubt that he would have been accepting of my revelations but would he take sides? Be the mediator?

It feels like with that loss I gained others who would guide me, very likely in the same way he would have.

Mark’s celebration of life, with military honors, is scheduled for Monday September 8th.

Is it wrong that I feel like I said goodbye to him when we visited while he was still coherent, and don’t really want to go to the celebration of life?