8/21 Thursday
I went into this expecting the worst case scenario. Lack of understanding or acceptance, anger, passive aggressiveness, subterfuge, and sabotage.
What I initially got was what seemed like the best case scenario. Acceptance, agreement, and an understanding.
We even took my mom out for dinner at the Golden Chopstick where he had Chinese and the rest of us split 4 rolls of sushi. (I had “coming out” sushi!)
8/22 Friday
But that was short lived. Within a day the passive aggressive statements, assumptions, and actions started. It started with him telling his work buddy that we were “going our own ways” instead of telling him that we had decided to have an open relationship. And then telling me all about how his buddy is going to set him up with his baby-momma’s cousin and that now he needs to start buying condoms again. I don’t need to know any of that. At the time, I didn’t realize how much the conversation bothered me… until it was bed time and I realized it grossed me out to think about sleeping next to him. So I slept on the couch.
8/23 Saturday - our grown child’s birthday
The next morning he asked me why I slept on the couch and my response was “It seemed like the right thing to do.” Then he launched into the whole thing about how he felt like he needed to tell his mom because “holidays are going to look different.” I looked at him and just said, “Well, if you’re going to tell her make sure you’re honest. Not like what you told Tony!” But the implication of what he said hadn’t hit me yet. Our daughter and I went out to the bank, to get my hair cut, and to lunch for her birthday. While we were out, his statement kept eating at me. I sent him a text asking if he had told his mom yet, and when he said he hadn’t I ended up telling him that I didn’t think he should come on vacation with us. Something to the effect of “If you don’t want me to be around for holidays with your family, I don’t think you should come on holiday with mine.” We arrived home within minutes of me sending that message.
I had to use the bathroom and I was texting furiously with my sister and mother, trying to figure out how we could get the kayaks up to the lake with us. I decided that I needed to go talk to my mom in person, but on my way out the door he caught me demanding a conversation. I explained my position. He tried to convince me that he just meant that it would look different eventually, but I wasn’t going to back down. 2 days of attempted wounding conversation and I wasn’t about to cow to his expectations. I left again, this time to see my mom. We eventually decided that my sister would bring her camper over (with a roof rack), we would load the boats on that and she would haul it up there. As part of the agreement, I was going to ride back down with her, watch my nephew on Monday and she would drive me back up after he got out of his first day in public school on Tuesday. I went out to get bungie cords and went home to load the boats onto the top of my Escape. When Joe realized what we were doing, he came out and sulked practically in the way but not offering to help and not engaging when I would ask him what he needed. He did eventually provide an additional bungie cord when it became evident that we were short what we were going to need.
At some point during the day, he stopped sharing his location with our child. He had stopped sharing it with me late last year, and I stopped sharing mine with him a couple of days prior.
We got the boats secure, and THEN he wanted to talk. He was again sulking, and trying to get me to reverse my decision. I explained to him that a LOT had happened this week, and that we both needed the space away from each other to process and digest this. I also explained that if we were in proximity to each other like that he would be expecting me to emotionally regulate for him, and I’m not doing that any more. He ultimately decided that he was going to work that week instead of taking the time off as planned, and he was going to try to get in an extra appointment with his therapist. I explained to him that it felt like he was badmouthing me to his friends at work and that what he said about holidays with his family made it sound like I wasn’t welcome anymore. He tried to explain that he was just anticipating what would eventually happen, to which I shot back that I thought that we weren’t changing anything about how our relationship appeared on the outside for now. I told him that I was working with our child to turn the home office into a bedroom and that I would be sleeping on the couch until I could get a bed set up in there. I did not back down from my decision about the vacation.
I walked away from that conversation feeling like we made some progress… I was still wrong. Later that night I was ready for sleep, but instead of going to bed at his normal 8:30pm, he was still up at 10:30. I thought about sleeping on the bed and telling him he would have to take the couch for the night… but I discovered that all of the clothes he had recently washed for himself, were spread out all over the bed. He did eventually go to bed, but I was fucking exhausted by then and I had to be up at 6 to start packing up the car.
8/24 Sunday
He didn’t wake up while we were packing the car, we didn’t leave the house until after 9am and he hadn’t even stirred. I never heard from him but our child did. He text to apologize for “forgetting” her birthday.
8/25 Monday
No word from him
8/26 Tuesday
No word from him
8/27 Wednesday
Only word was to tell me he needed to use the debit card to get lightbulbs for his burned out tail light on the truck.
8/28 Thursday
He text to ask me if I knew our checking was overdrawn, and then wanted to grill me about the fact that the withdrawals were from PayPal.
8/29 Friday
while balancing the weekly budget, I discovered that he had withdrawn $500 from the tuition fund for our child’s college… which I have been independently funding for the past 6 or 7 years with the exception of tax returns (but this year we had to pay…) or his bonuses (which he didn’t get this year because of the layoff…) so all of that money is actually my contributions, and belongs in the tuition account instead of an account I can’t access.
I actively stopped my weekly contributions to the rainy day fund, and I’m actively working on separating him from my accounts, as well as encouraging him to move his direct deposit to the rainy day fund where only he can have any control over it. At that point I’ll tell him exactly what his monthly input needs to be, and if he wants to do it weekly, that’s fine too.
I ordered my mattress for the office. It will arrive this Sunday.
8/30 Saturday
The water was glassy this morning and I took the opportunity to get back out on the lake for some sunrise pictures and observations, as well as the workout of kayaking a few miles up the river and back through the fog.
I got another text this morning, 2 actually. 1 stating that he was going to pull out gas money from the account, he didn’t specify what account. And then he followed it up with the fact that he’s only pulling out $60.
I don’t understand why its relevant to tell me that, but not to tell me that he’s pulling $500 out of our savings. It has been suggested to me that the withdrawal was the initial payment for for a divorce attorney.
I feel so physically exhausted today. I keep feeling like I want to fistfight someone, but THAT is a bad idea.
A nap in the sun, and quite a bit of music, helped immensely. I’m still not looking forward to tomorrow. Even with so little communication from him this week, every message has been irritating. I’m hoping that I don’t hear from him tomorrow… and even more so I hope I’m not walking into a shit show.
8/31 Sunday
Things have been tense at the cabin. The process of packing up and cleaning isn't easy when every action is dependent on someone else being ready for that part of the process.
No word from Joe, not that I care to hear from him but I anticipate some request for an ETA at some point today.
I got grilled about pulling my cash advance out of an account it shouldn't have been in back when I went on a work trip in August. And then questioned about when we would be home. When I had information about our ETA he came back with the fact that he's not home and isn't sure when he'll be home. He left the windows open in the house but didn't turn off the AC.
When we stopped for gas I noticed that he had used the debit card to pay for parking on Woodward, I'm assuming the dream cruise is going on. Kaitie and I are still wondering what happened to that $500. We won't be home til after 8pm but I'm hopeful that he won't be home. 🤞
He was home and lounged out on the couch. The windows were not open like he had said they were and there was a strong smell of cleaning products. When he was going to bed he finally stuck his head into the office to ask me if I was sleeping on the couch or the bed. When I said I was sleeping on the couch he evidently moved my blanket and pillows to the couch, because when I walked into the bedroom to get them, they weren’t on the bed. As I went to walk out he tells me “Tomorrow, we need to talk.” My response was simply “okay” as I walked out of the room to return to what had my attention before his interruption.
9/1 Monday
Labor Day
Today I'm working with Kaitie to move her stuff out of the office so I can make it my bedroom.
This morning he wanted to have the talk he kind of blind sided me with last night. Turns out it was the same finances conversation that I had been prepping for over the weekend. He volunteered to pick up the whole tuition, which was surprising. But then he also tried to tell me about how he’s had a couple of dates while I was away, at which point I stopped him saying that I didn’t need or want to know about any of that.
He went kayaking while Kaitie and I were working on the room. I got the room almost set up and then he offers to switch rooms with me so I can have the larger room. If it wasn’t for the fact that I had been moving furniture all day already and the room was already 95% setup, I would have taken him up on it.
Later I discovered that the $500 he withdrew was indeed for the strip club. And in the same conversation he asked about what we were going to do with the Benihana gift card that my mom had given him for Christmas and we were planning to use on our anniversary. I told him we could still use it on that day if he wanted, or another day. Or if he had something he wanted to use it for, but he claimed that he didn’t. So I guess we’re going out to dinner tomorrow. Oh and he mentioned that he's planning to save up some money and go to the dentist to get his teeth fixed, and I pointed out to him that I had tried to encourage him to do that while he was laid off.
I’m sleeping in my room tonight instead of on the couch. The only thing I don’t have is a fan which will eventually be a problem.
9/2 Tuesday
So we tried to go out to dinner tonight, but the wait was insane at the place we had the gift card for. Instead we went to Buddy’s Pizza because I knew I could get gluten free pizza there.
I suggested that he use the gift card and take our child out to dinner tomorrow as a belated birthday event. He agreed that it would be a good idea, confirmed with her that she would not have school and would be free, and then made the reservations.
When our pizzas arrived, I had to cut my own and as I was attempting to cut it into equal pieces I exclaimed “I can’t cut a straight line to save my life” my timing was almost tragic as he snorted and almost sprayed cherry coke all over the table through his nose. I stopped struggling with the pizza and looked at him saying “That’s a step in the right direction.”
If we are going to be able to tolerate each other well enough to be room mates, we need to be able to laugh.
Tomorrow I have to go to the bank to have him removed from my accounts and have his debit cards deactivated.
9/3 Wednesday
I never made it to the bank, but I did laundry. And established that he needed the washer and dryer empty on the weekends so he could wash his clothes. He took our child out to dinner as a belated birthday gift. I left before they came back. And I didn’t come back until the next morning.
9/4 Thursday
There were concerns of lines of questioning, but I avoided contact with him completely today.
9/4 Friday
He told me he wanted $500 from his double paycheck, in addition to the $100 for gas, and for me to put whatever extra there was after paying bills and the last 2 payments for the month on his truck, into the tuition fund. I was going to have him removed from my accounts when I went to the bank to withdraw his funds. Unfortunately the bank was minutes away from closing and I couldn’t see anyone about my request.
When I got home, he was there. I gave him his envelope. When I glanced at his face, I could see the question in his eyes, but it never found a voice. I then explained about the bank and that I would have to go back on Monday. He informed me that he had gone to the bank to have himself removed from my accounts but they told him that because I was the primary on the account, I had to be there… which essentially means we have to be there together to remove him from my accounts.
After that exchange I went and sat in my room, and our child came into the room to talk about the events of the day. Joe eventually could be heard saying he was going out, I hollered back to him that we were going to load up my cousin’s things, and he responded with an impatient “I’m leaving” to which I responded with a pleasant “Byeeeee” and he slammed the door behind him.
I heard him go down the driveway past my window and out to his truck. And we continued our conversation. We were almost immediately interrupted by the sound of the side door being unlocked and opened. He was moving heavy through the space seeming frustrated and angry that he had to come back in after his initial exit.
He was back home when we got back, and he had parked in the driveway not leaving me enough room to pull in, and its the postponed garbage day tomorrow.
He was getting ready for bed and when he made eye contact with me said, "I assume you aren't working tomorrow." He replied that he was working, so I asked him why he parked in the driveway. He acted confused like he didn't remember backing into the driveway.
Then he asked “Isn’t there enough room?” I explained that there wasn't enough room for the van and that I had to park it on the street.
In the past, he would have offered to swap because clearly he was going to have his vehicle moved well before the trash would be collected. This time he just went back to his room and closed the door.