Finding myself this year has been a difficult road. One that I didn’t even intentionally set out on, it just happened… or started happening. To say that it “happened” would imply that I’ve figured it all out, that I have a clear and unfaltering concept of self and where I’m going. This couldn’t be further from the truth. But what I can say for certain is that the way I was living life wasn’t working for me anymore, the lie I was living was revealed to me and I couldn’t let it continue.

Since then I’ve become aware of how my boundaries had been being destroyed by those who professed to care about me and I’ve had to go about the messy and sometimes painful task of re-establishing those boundaries and at times defending them. Through this process of recognizing repetitious harmful behavior I’ve discovered some unexpected sources. Some I’ve addressed with success, others it is clear that my worth was only in what I could do for them, and there are a few that are still uncertain.

The wildest revelation was to realize that someone who seemed to have my best interest in mind was also participating in this, eliciting unhealthy responses and boundary destruction. And as I gradually discover myself and figure out what I want life to look like, I’m discovering what real acceptance looks and feels like, and how true openness and trust makes me feel. I’m re-evaluating what love and attraction and affection feel like, and reinventing how I connect with the world around me.

Learning that love, in its truest form, doesn’t activate one’s fight or flight. It doesn’t make you question validity or your worth once intent is spoken. Love respects boundaries, while expecting boundaries to be respected.

Learning to love again, learning to trust, in spite of the fear of the potential for being hurt again. The fear of having that reciprocation torn away leaving me hollow and alone. Getting past that fear… acknowledging it, addressing it, but choosing to have trust in another to see me, and value me, as I am and as what I might become. Trusting another to hold the knowledge of past pain and not re-inflict old wounds.

After pain, trust doesn’t come easy, but having open and transparent connection through consistent communication makes it easier and organic, and worth it.

I exist in an almost constant state of music consumption, sometimes it shapes my mood and other times it echoes it, a soundtrack from a blip in my life.

I recently gave up Spotify in favor of Tidal because Spotify has become even more problematic in the past year.

Many of us participate in gift-giving traditions this time of year, revolving around various religious, and some secular practices. But more and more of us are finding year after year that the purse strings are getting tighter. If you’re like me, the purse contents for gift buying this year is non-existent. Now is a great time to explore the world of hand made gifts… not gifts that someone else has made by hand, but things that you make to give to your friends and family.

As an extra middle finger to capitalism, IF you have the funds to buy something and you have an art lover to buy for, consider supporting independent artists.

independent artists.

DIY

This year I am going to make this sugar free (granulated monkfruit) with a gluten free crust, and maybe mix it up with pumpkin pie… because pumpkin pie and cheesecake are 2 of my favorite desserts and if I CAN combine them, I would be doing myself a disservice by NOT combining them. Both the cheesecake and the pumpkin pie recipes are pictured below. The crusts are store bought.

Seasonal Recipe

2 Cinnabon Cinnamon Rolls

2 eggs

2/3 cup half−and−half

3/4 tsp. vanilla

1 T. sugar

1/8 tsp. cinnamon

1−2 T. butter or margarine

Slice Cinnabon rolls in half horizontally. Place them, cut side up, on a plate and allow to dry for 20−30 minutes. Combine eggs, half−and−half, vanilla, sugar, and cinnamon. Whisk together until all ingredients are well blended. Refrigerate until ready to use. At serving time, preheat oven to 400 , and place Cinnabon halves in a shallow baking dish. Pour French toast batter over halves and allow to soak for 5−10 minutes until moist. You may weigh the rolls down (cover them with waxed paper and place a heavy skillet on the paper) during this time to make sure batter is absorbed into the dough layers. Heat a heavy skillet and melt butter or margarine in it. When butter is hot, place the Cinnabon halves into the pan, gooey side down. Sear until golden brown. Turn the halves over, and place the skillet in the oven. Bake 8−10 minutes or until rolls are puffed up and golden. Serve with maple syrup.

About the Author

I am Sarah, a late blooming queer individual exploring my past experiences through introspection and internal work as well as talking to others and having conversations that lead to further thought experiments. This is an evolution of being in real time.

I’ve written heavily on the grief of losing my father suddenly and how that has resulted in my transformation, and the grief of losing my friend and brother to cancer. I’m writing more recently on my experiences and realizations and incorporating some DIY and hobby content where I can.

Thank you for reading 🙂

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