I discovered recently that my life had been lacking reciprocity in so many aspects. One of the most glaring is that of care. Physical, mental, and emotional care.

The first at most glaring for me was thinking about if someone gets sick in my household.

Ex. Early March 2024 I caught COVID, presumably from Joe who I had to:

while he had been down and out with it.

He was at the tail end of his symptoms when I got body slammed by a sack of bricks (aka I caught his COVID in spite of masks and him being quarantined to the bedroom, while I slept on the couch). I was wrapped up in my hoodie, thick socks, sweatpants, and 2 comforters. I felt hot, but a dry hot and while I didn’t feel cold exactly, I was practically convulsing with the chills. It took everything I had to reach for my phone and text him.

I had asked him to get me the thermometer, which for whatever reason was a difficult task full of questions and agitated grumbling. I was trying to direct him, but in my state of fever fueled derangement, I couldn’t tell if I was speaking out loud or just thinking about it.

After I took my temperature I had to tell him to get me a fever reducer and water, and then that in an hour I needed to have my temp taken again and if it wasn’t under control by then he had to “force” me to go to the ER.. even if that meant an ambulance ride. I worded it that way because I knew that my brain was slipping and in an hour I was likely to not be reasonable, and he wouldn’t know that my current temp was at risk for becoming dangerous if we couldn’t get it under control.

He left the meds, the thermometer and a bottle of water, and retreated back to the bedroom. If it was me taking care of him I would have made notes about the time, his temp and what meds he got… he left me to manage that in my mildly hallucinogenic state.

I tried to sleep, but I just lay there silently panicking that I was going to incur brain damage from the fever and trying to figure out how to make myself shed some layers so I wasn’t just baking myself.

I was finally able to get myself out of the blanket and starting to shed layers. But he never checked on me to see what my temp was at the 1 hour mark, never checked to see if I was even still conscious.

This is one of the embodiments of what the lack of reciprocal care looks like in my life. But it also looks like the disregard when I’m engaging in self destructive behavior/actions. It also looks like stating “you can talk to me about anything” when faced with the statement “I’m having a consultation for therapy.” but when I have hard conversations that need to be had, shutting down less than halfway through.

These things were put into stark contrast with the introduction of people who showed actual concern. People who gave as much (if not more) care as they received and didn’t take me for granted while refusing to be taken for granted. And recognition of the few people in my life already who I categorized as “better friends than I deserve” because they have shown more care than I think I can ever reciprocate.

But that last part is probably just my inner self critic talking.