Is This the Real Life?

Friday morning Joe sent me his weekly contribution for the bills, but it was the wrong amount. I had told him at the start of the week that I had to do some recalculations because something wasn’t adding up, but he evidently forgot or figured if I had found an error I would have already given him the new total. Whatever the explanation… He still sent the wrong amount. And he got noticeably agitated through text that I didn’t have the corrected total to send him right then and there. I had to explain that while I WAS trying to figure it out, I was also have to bounce between other tasks such as texting him back AND working. We at least agreed that we would discuss it after work when we were both home.

When I was digging into the calculations I discovered that my original total only included $25 from him, to go toward shared food expense, but we were both under the impression that it was $100. So for the weeks that he was withholding that $100 and buying his own groceries, I was getting shorted $75 for the bills. Which isn’t great, especially when what I’m responsible for is $60 more than what I make in a week (and that’s not including money to put gas in the car, or being able to save to repair my car… which already has like $4K in repairs that it needs… or saving for anything else for that matter.)

Add to that the fact that for whatever reason I had set it up so I was responsible for 2/3 of the gas/electric, the phone bill and water bill were both higher than I had originally estimated, and with him not throwing in for groceries he was no longer contributing to household supplies… and its no wonder I was going to be going into the negative balance on my accounts by February.

We did finally have our discussion. He only owed me an additional $38 for the week. But that’s not covering any of the $500 that he took out of our child’s tuition fund to go to the strip club back in August.

… yeah, he took tuition money… to go to the strip club. And its not like that was even the first time.

Things Are Getting Real

We discussed further, which included him asking me how long I thought we were going to keep living like this. I looked him in the eye and told him that I didn’t think that cohabitating was good for either of us, and that I thought it was destroying any chance of us surviving this with even a cordial friendship to show for it. He agreed. Pointing out that with the exception of today and yesterday I’m distant when he talks to me. I explained that after the day of our anniversary I was actively avoiding interacting with him on an emotional level, which necessitated me explaining how he triggered me and how every time we seem to have a meaningful conversation the next conversation we have he finds a passive aggressive way to jam the emotional knife into my ribs.

He was baffled, saying that he didn’t know what he was doing that was causing that but that it wasn’t his intention. (Manipulation?… probably… but I’m still guarded) I explained to him that every time it happens it just serves to open my eyes more, and that a lot of his behavior has been right in line with things that remind me of how my dad would behave, which I’m sure struck a nerve even though he didn’t show it. I explained that risking getting triggered and not knowing for sure I would have a way to pull myself back from it effectively was why I don’t interact with him most of the time. I explained that it might be different if I had found a therapist already, not that I could afford one with the state of things right now.

We discussed how neither of us could afford the house on our own, but we really didn’t decide WHAT to do about that. And then he asked me if when we separate if I could “be kind”. I just looked at him in near disbelief. I told him that I’m not trying to fuck him over, and that I’m in a situation by still dealing with all of the finances that IF I wanted to fuck him over I could just stop paying on his truck or any other number of things… but that’s not what I’m doing, because I’m NOT TRYING TO FUCK HIM OVER.

Honestly, I think his concern is the potential for an alimony payment being due. But I don’t know that I have any control over that. He makes twice what I make, a week, a month, an hour. And he has way more recent opportunities for over time than I have had ALL YEAR.

A Fever Dream

The cherry on top of all this is that when he got home, he disclosed that he was going to be laid off for the next 3 week and has no idea what his income is going to look like. He said something about picking up a part time job, doing Uber deliveries or something during the time he’s off. I warned him that those jobs don’t withhold taxes so he will have to save money for that because we can’t afford to owe AGAIN.

I’ve never had to sell a house before. But then again we had never bought a house before this one. There are some things that we are going to have to finish updating/repairing before we can sell it for the most we can get out of it. Hopefully we can manage that. It would be so much easier to hire someone to install the screen doors and repair the front steps, but alas… I don’t think either of us can afford that.

What’s the Point

I guess this is suffice to say that I will be moving back into my mother’s house for a second time, and sooner than I had anticipated. On the up side, I won’t have to be so cautious about how I interact with the people I live with anymore. And it will force me to think seriously about the things that need to be done to fix up my childhood home. It will also put me in a position to be more readily available to help my mom with the removal of things in the house, and my mom will have peace of mind that she isn’t alone in that giant house if she has another medical emergency.

I hope that going that route will give me the opportunity to save some serious money, and that Joe will continue to pay for our child’s tuition, whether I’m “awarded” any alimony payment or not.

I was already having regrets about the fact that I changed my name when we got married, oh the hoops I jumped through to accomplish that. And the hoops I will have to jump through in reverse to get it changed back.

Finding Humor in a Usually Humorless Situation

Most of the time there is no humor in the prospect of divorce. Its usually a messy situation with a lot of hurt feelings for one person or the other… and in some cases both. I’m not hurting, but I know he is.

A couple of years ago, over dinner, something was brought up about divorce. I don’t remember the context of the conversation, but it wasn’t serious. Our child chimed in attempting to say “Am I going to be a child of divorce?” but the word divorce came out as “disorf” and we all erupted in laughter. That word has been permanently changed in our household vernacular.

She has since said that once we actually go through with the separation she is going to make references to the fact that she’s a child of disorf.

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