The subject of dying came up the other day and it got me thinking.

There are a lot of people who fear death for one reason or another. At one time I feared it too, but the fear didn’t lie in the act of dying, it was in not being able to be there for the people I care for.

Something has since shifted. Maybe its me becoming less of a people pleaser, not feeling responsible for other people’s happiness or fulfillment, gradually shedding that self destructive personality trait that I’ve performed for so long. That need to be needed, even to the point of burn out. Maybe its the fact that my child is grown and I’m confident that she can survive without me, even though I know it wouldn’t be an easy road. Or maybe its that I no longer feel like I have to manage things for Joe.

I think this shift has been happening gradually all year though. I’ve been on blood pressure medication for more than 2 years now, but early this year I was experiencing palpitations and an unusual “watery” feeling in my chest. Most of the time my reaction to these was to lay down, focus my breathing, and eventually fall asleep. When I would wake up a short time later, the feeling usually had passed.

My logic was that if my heart rate was being erratic, the best way to stabilize it was to be at rest. Now my brain says “If this is it, then I guess this is it.” Admittedly its been months since I’ve had this experience, but it serves to illustrate my take on it.

Do I worry that news of my passing would not be relayed to people I have no IRL contact with? Yes. But as callous as it may sound, once I kick that bucket none of that would matter to me anymore. And more recently there has been a little overlap in my family and online community, so even that worry has mostly been put to bed.

An NO, before anyone jumps to any conclusions; I am NOT actively dying and I am NOT having thoughts of unaliving myself.

I’m just writing my typical stream of consciousness on a topic that my brain attached to.