From one day to the next I don’t know what to expect. And its exhausting.
And maybe I’m being unpredictable, not following through on agreements of communication. Though admittedly, there was no reason to communicate if I was going to be home for dinner. And I didn’t have an answer for the overall question of when I would be home. He didn’t ask it, but it lingered like a memory in spite of never having been given voice.
I’m not sure if it hurts, or just makes me angry, that I know him so well… and it seems like he barely knows me. But now it doesn’t really matter.
I’m not going to the the celebration of life for Mark on Monday. Partially because I don’t have any vacation time available currently, and additionally because I’ve said my farewells to Mark. He and I had our final farewell when he was still cognoscente enough to know who I was, and I’ve written at length about my grief, enough to not have regrets about how things played out and understand my reactions to aspects of the events that unfolded through end of his life. At this point, being surrounded by the overwhelming grief of his family and the local friends who grieve his passing, would be counter productive for my already chaotic emotional state.
My grief is at least something I know I can depend on to be stable outside of that scenario.
Joe intends to take his mother with him Monday. I don’t expect him to make my excuses at the celebration, though he may attempt it through some sort of passive aggression, or he might not. It doesn’t really matter. I’m doing what is right for me.
After being home from the “family” vacation, my mom told me that if felt weird to be home after traveling so much. It made me realize that after all the traveling I’ve done this year, everyplace feels just as much “not like home” as everyplace else so being “home” doesn’t really feel like a concept.
They say home is where the heart is, so is the place where I have a room and store my belongings really “home” anymore?
It’s time to declutter and downsize. I don’t want a ton of stuff to tote around with me if/when I have to move again. I’ll keep a small collection of mementos and photos, but the more I can convert to digital, the better.
Books, DVDs, figurines, clothes that I don’t use anymore… just so much STUFF.
I was going to do a garage sale, but that is such a time commitment so I think I’m just going to be making donations instead.
Sure, it would be nice to get some money for some of it, but I’m not that invested in the idea. I’d rather just shed the shackles of having too many material possessions, then anyplace can be “home”
This morning the crows are being vocal. There is one that would sound like a barking dog if I didn’t know what I was listening too. I’ve watched them flying and playing in front of the cabin, but they have evidently found something of interest in their territory.
