Around the autumnal equinox after my dad passed, my daughter and I decided to take a hike in the state park that I used to frequent with my father. The grief was still raw, I was still inconsolable at least one point every day, and I was still searching for an outlet. This seemed like as good of an option to try as anything else.

We parked and walked the DNR road to the river where the dam is, fighting mosquitoes and defending against ticks the whole way. When we got out of the woods and stood on the bridge, the breeze was exquisite against the sweat that we had built up even in the sunshine.

After a brief pause to enjoy the reprieve from the heat, we continued to the woods on the other side to continue our exploration. To my surprise, and for the first time, I found a patch of Jewel Weed… which was accompanied by a patch of poison ivy. I was intrigued that I had never encountered this before.

We attempted to continue, but the mosquitoes were just too intense, so we returned to the bridge and sat on a picnic table on the side we had come from. As we sat there having a quick snack and chugging some water a group of people showed up in canoes. They pulled up on the ramp of the dam getting out for a stretch and eventually continued to the other side so they could continue on their way to the lake. But as they did, I observed a familiar dynamic. A group of young people with one slightly older adult man loosely supervising.

The man was wearing cargo pants, a banana shirt and a floppy fishing hat. It was like seeing my past play out in front of me and that guy looked just like my dad would have when he used to take me, my sister, and all my friends canoeing on that same river.

My throat felt like it was going to close. My daughter saw them and eyed me as a sob caught us both off guard. We watched them continue on their way and disappear around the bend in the river heading to the lake in silence.

And with that, we made our way back to the car and left. I may have been more bereft than I was before we went to that place.

I haven’t been back yet. That was nearly 2 years ago. Maybe this September I’ll revisit it but with my kayak instead.