Dragonfly
I think of the word and my younger self remembers camping, those magnificent creatures swarming our campsite after the rain had stopped. I held up my finger and they landed, one by one, taking turns, as if in greeting. That feeling of being connected to something beyond myself, unmistakable. It is one of my fondest memories.
But I shared it with someone I didn’t realize I shouldn’t have. Now that word is tainted with memories of her, and how it felt when she called me that… followed by how it felt when she would withdraw for days and weeks, without explanation. And then show back up just as I was finally feeling some semblance of peace.
Then the question of “did I do the right thing” when I finally told her that enough was enough, that I had experienced enough of the emotional rollercoaster she seemed to be so fond of sending me on. She had chastised me for not having boundaries with her, berated me for not holding her accountable for some unnamed thing that I didn’t understand at the time (and probably still don’t), and told me that she was trying to protect me from herself. I still don’t know that I understand what I was supposed to hold her accountable or what in her she thought she was protecting me from; but she did finally push my boundaries to the point that I couldn’t take anymore. I think the most profound thing was that when I stated my position and my pain, she didn’t even pose a real rebuttal, like she had no real interest in trying to fix what was broken.
I’ve reached the point in my healing over that relationship… if you can call it that… that I remove reminders of her from my scope whenever I encounter them. I stop long enough to acknowledge the emotions the discovery dredges up, and then move past them. I’ve removed every picture, every means of contact, every message. Removed, but I never blocked… maybe that course of action was ill advised, but I’m not THAT profoundly moved to feel I need to block this person.
Only 3 physical things remain to be removed, and I have to figure out how best to remove them from my possession. It seems wasteful to destroy them, selling them feels wrong too, but keeping them in my possession poses its own problems.
And then she shows back up, like a bad penny. Not communicating directly with me… but close enough.
The Past vs The Present
Once I had thought we could tackle any obstacle
hand in hand, heart to heart, together.
Then I shared my truth
and he crumbled and began to self destruct.
He couldn't see love without the physical aspects we once shared.
My assurances that love was not defined by sex, fell on deaf ears
and were eventually met with hurtful statements.
When confronted he asserted that the hurt was not intended.
But it persists still, in spite of his claims.
His self destruction, hurtful commentary, and obstinance
destroying the love that remained.
I think I had hoped that in some capacity we could remain friends
and be able to laugh about all of it in some distant time.
That we could somehow be happy for each other
and how we've grown and matured over the years.
But that ship has long since passed
and all I want is for him to follow through
and then leave me alone.
I have no interest in giving him additional opportunity to hurt me,
same as I have no interest in giving him the impression that I'm trying to hurt him.
Two hearts now fill the place I thought was shattered by the first.
All having felt loves bitter rejection as a result of our truths.
The details unique to each of us.
The result and pain so similar that it could almost be the same.
The grief of those losses will ebb and flow as all grief does
But together we are stronger than any challenge,
any grief, and any struggle that we face...
because of things we've overcome individually
and because we embrace wholeheartedly that which was rejected about each other,
by those we trusted with our hearts before.
Together, the three of us can build a life full of beauty, strength, and peace.
Trusting in each other
as much as we trust in ourselves.
Building and growing for each other
as much as we grow and build for ourselves.
Living as our full selves
authentically
fortified by the love we have for each other
as much as by the love we have for ourselves.
A Love Letter Answered
You are poetry
with your hidden depths
of emotion and nurturing.
Your kindness and love
eclipsing any negativity
we encounter.
You quiet the voice that stands guard,
silently putting my heart at ease
simultaneously igniting it to
a love and desire I thought were beyond my grasp.
Your fingers quietly tracing the palm of my hand
making the hairs on my arms rise up to meet your touch.
My consciousness tittering on the cusp
between sleep and desire.
Afraid that if I slip into dreams
this dream come true will disappear.
You ask without actually asking
my answer is… forever
I would let you choose me forever.
I want to share all of my meaningful places with you
the lakes and waterways of my youth
the snow covered woodlands
the thawing marshes
the sun kissed shorelines
and the colorful tunnel of trees in the fall.
I want to take a trip pack in time
taking a horse drawn carriage tour
and circumnavigating the island on bicycle.
I want to discover the native named natural wonders,
The countless natural waterfalls throughout this lush countryside.
I want to bake ourselves in the saunas in Copper Harbor
And climb the Sleeping Bear Dunes.
I want to discover Fish Town and Paradise and countless other picturesque lakeside towns. And to visit Holland for the Tulip Festival.
I want to tour the vineyards and wineries in Cherry Country
and make apple butter in the fall.
I want to nurture seedlings and tend a lush garden of fruit, vegetables and herbs
I want to preserve abundance, canning and freeze drying
and harvest rainwater.
I want to harvest seeds and take cuttings to nurture into the next season.
I want to grow with you. I want to create with you
Mysteries of The Past
For a span of time, my writing was fueled by an altered mental state. Giving me the spine to put out into the world ideas and truths that I wouldn’t have had the guts to publish. But an unfortunate side effect is that the connections for most of that writing is a mystery. So now, I try to write sober… or at least I edit and publish sober so I hopefully know what I’ve written about.
This is just going to live here as my footer until it’s no longer true!