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Frustration on the home front
This week is an exercise in not overdoing it and I’m failing. This weekend I cut the lawn because Joe is appearing to have lost the will do do anything to maintain the household… with the exception of occasionally cleaning the toilet. Granted that is something I really don’t want to do, (and admittedly he did a piss poor job of it this last time) but I don’t think he deserves a medal for doing that one thing once every few months. He doesn’t run the vacuum and hasn’t bothered to bring it upstairs from the basement so I can use it (I have no idea where it even is). He washes his own dishes… but doesn’t put them away he just leaves them on the counter on a towel to dry for DAYS. He does his own laundry, not that I would even consider doing his laundry at this point, and before we split, he was doing both of our laundry. He will take out trash and the recycling bin I have in the kitchen… but pretty much everything else is stuff he seems to actively avoid these days.
I went out to my sister’s on Sunday. And when I returned home my curio cabinet had been placed in the living room. It had previously been in Joe’s room because I had already moved out of that room before I made my office into my bedroom. So I had left my curio cabinet and my shelf full of Funko Pops. After discovering my curio cabinet in the living room I knocked on his door and asked if he could bring my Funko Pops out too, he said he would… that was Sunday night, we’re into the next weekend and they are still hidden away in his room. Its just kind of irritating how he always finds a way to be problem, like he’s doing it intentionally.
Monday I had an appointment and then a bunch of work chaos shortly after which raised my stress level beyond what I was prepared for. This was at least resolved relatively easily, but it was unexpected.
Tuesday was a pretty normal work day and I drove out to my sister’s for the night to help with child care the next day.
Wednesday I worked from my sister’s house after getting my nephew to school. After he got home from school and my sister was home, I drove back home for the night. That evening I picked up a friend and her son from the airport to facilitate a surprise for her father who was just recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
Thursday morning I left to go back out to my sister’s. I drove my nephew to his appointment, afterwards we went to lunch and then I took him home and we hung out until my sister got home. I stayed that night because she was going to need help Friday as well.
Friday my sister and I both took my nephew to school. I worked from her house and then went to pick him up. We had dinner when she got home and then I made the drive home.
Suffice to say it has been a hectic week. Productive, but hectic. And I have plans to see a movie with my child this weekend, along with running some errands with them.
It was nice to sleep in my own bed Friday night, though I have to admit that I would rather have spent the night cuddled up with those that I love.
Stress
Uncertainty of many things is causing anxiety, which is in turn causing depression. Not in me, but in one of the people I care deeply for. The manifestation of that depression being something I’ve experienced and had not previously shared with them. The sharing of that experience and the understanding, creating deeper connection.
I will forever strive to find some strand of positive in even the most negative situation, in an effort to be able to move forward, beyond the negative, shedding old habits and patterns, and building new and solid foundations.
Stop babysitting your coding agents
Agents can generate code. Getting it right for your system, team conventions, and past decisions is the hard part – you end up wasting time and tokens in correction loops.
MCPs give agents access to information but not understanding. The teams pulling ahead use a context engine to give agents exactly what they need.
Join us April 23 (FREE) to see:
Where teams get stuck on the AI maturity curve
How a context engine solves for quality, efficiency, and cost
Live demo: the same coding task with and without a context engine
Distance
To have met one person who can match and hold my emotional intensity, who gives me unspoken permission to be completely myself without reservation, is amazing! To have met 2 people with these traits and who love and want to be with me as much as I love and want to be with them, is fortunate beyond measure.
The intensity of emotions make the distance more difficult with every visit, the desire to stay, becoming a feeling that won’t be ignored. Not that I would want to ignore it, even if I could. But we all feel it. That need to be close, that want to protect each other and take care of each other; it makes us consider all kinds of scenarios.
Connection
I’ve never reacted to simple physical contact this way before, the way I do when either of you touch me. My entire nervous system lights up making every caress of my hand or the back of my neck, every kiss, and light or passionate nibbling, feel like fire and electricity moving across my skin.
Learning to speak the language of each other’s bodies like poetry, and discovering things about ourselves that have changed unexpectedly, but positively. The explanations and their elusiveness less important than how these discoveries make us feel.
Post Intensity Recovery
While this past week was intense in some ways, its not the intensity that I’m referring to.
The week I visited was intense in ways that this past week could never even dream of being, and I miss it. I miss you. Both of you. I know you are reading this, and so are numerous others… and I don’t care who else reads. Because I’m madly in love, and I don’t want to have “post intensity recovery”. I don’t want to “recover”, and I don’t ever want that intensity to be in the past. I want to exist in that intensity, absorbing it and turning it into something even more productive for all of us.
My mind is forever preoccupied with the desire to reunite us, to be as close to each other as we want to be without having to spend a small fortune in travel each year to achieve it. When you are both near, my mind finds a kind of peace that I never realized I was lacking, a feeling of safety and security that I’ve never felt before. And when we must part, it feels like a chunk of my heart is torn from my chest.
Not having to keep this relationship a secret from my family anymore is like a weight being lifted from my shoulders. Not having to keep identities a secret would probably be and even greater weight lifted from all of our shoulders, but I still worry about the risk of the information getting back to my soon to be ex. Once my divorce is filed and final, my need for any further secrecy will be in the past.
But for now, I simply await and plan for our next reunion, our next adventure… and many more in the future.
This is just going to live here as my footer until it’s no longer true!