In partnership with
I don’t remember what brought me to this thought tonight, but it occurs to me that for as well as Joe thought he knew me… He has no idea who I am anymore. But it also occurs to me that he is probably oblivious of that fact. He very likely sees me and sees the same person I was this time last year.
But I’m not the same person anymore. In the past 8 months I became violently aware of not only things about myself, but things about my relationship with Joe, and things about my relationships with others. Things that were missing, things I had no idea were missing, and things that had no business being there in the first place. And once my eyes started burning through the fog I was living in and everything began to come into focus I couldn’t avert my eyes.
I wondered for a long time why I couldn’t get myself to sing in front of Joe, couldn’t bring myself to sing in the car if he was riding with me, unless he was asleep and Kaitie and I would be belting out AJR, BNL, DMB, CCR, Queen, etc. on our annual drives to the lake. Why I couldn’t bring myself to free-style dance to music I was enjoying, if he was around.
And today I think I understand, he didn’t make me feel secure. I felt judged, taken for granted, largely unappreciated for everything I managed to keep functioning… budget managed, family fed, full time job, dishes mostly caught up, his emotions managed, raising a child largely on my own (from an emotional standpoint). But then when I wanted to undertake the garden or any of my hobbies, I was scoffed at like it was a stupid or silly idea and I was left to manage the often labor intensive work, on my own. So I had to be independent, no point in depending on anyone to help, its my project and I’m not going to burden anyone else with it because I don’t want to risk not having help when I need it.
But I helped him on his projects when I saw him struggle and get frustrated, and I got bitter. And we’d drift, and somehow he would make me feel guilty for us drifting. Because it was somehow directly related to something I was or wasn’t doing. So we would try to pull it back together, monthly “date nights”, sitting down to watch a movie with Kaitie at least once a week, and watch an hour of a show together every night, etc. But inevitably we would drift again. I noticed it, but I didn’t say anything because I enjoyed having the time to myself. Time to indulge in gaming, music, learning, playing with digital art, contemplating new hobbies or projects.
I found friends who shared my hobbies and we would help each other with the things that I couldn’t depend on him to help me with.
This lack support lead to not feeling secure, not feeling safe to express myself, feeling like I was loved but conditionally… it was really the only constant for most of what I can remember.
But now that I have all of those things that were missing from that relationship, I’m starting to feel whole, I’m starting to finally let my guard down and relax. My emotional needs are fulfilled, I feel safe to express myself, I feel supported and secure, I feel loved in the kind of unconditional way that love should be felt. I feel accepted and appreciated, I feel seen and held.
I feel like I can finally start shedding masks that I’ve worn so long that they are practically part of who I am.
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This is just going to live here as my footer until it’s no longer true!