Since some time in early 2025 I’ve been deeply digging into my gender expression and realizing that I am gender fluid. This seems to be dictated by what a situation requires of me, and if I’m in the situation in support of someone else. For example, my masculine aspect will take the lead if I’m out with my sister whether we’re at a crowded event or traveling, if there are a lot of people… and I’m taking the lead. I’ll navigate the situation so she can focus on managing her son, or even just her own anxiety. Or if I’m at work (I work in a male dominated field). But if I’m taking care of my mother (with the exception of if she is in the hospital), my child, literally if I’m doing any kind of healing work, anything that requires a tender touch then my feminine aspect takes the lead.

But more recently I’ve been “stuck” in the masculine. I figured that was a result of my situation, navigating a divorce, learning to establish and maintain boundaries. And then I discovered a masculine voice in my internal dialogue… “there is a dude in my head like 50% of the time” I remember confiding in someone.

My sister’s internal dialogue consists of her belittling herself, speaking to herself in ways that she wouldn’t even speak to her child, or even to a friend. She told me that its the voice of our father in her head. Thinking on that today made me realize something. That in the past few months of me exploring this masculine internal dialogue and the impact it has on me and exploring the concept of “does any of this mean that I’m trans?”… I’ve come to the realization that the idea of me being trans, scares me, like nothing has scared me before.

I thought it was rooted in the fear that I was going to lose touch with everything that connected me to everything I’ve been through to get to this point of my life, that I would lose everyone I care about because they wouldn’t be able to understand my experience. And somehow that meant that I was going to lose myself. But I’m realizing that the fear I’m experiencing isn’t any of that.

I’m terrified I’m going to become my father.

Rationally, I already know that I’m a more empathetic person than he was, just in the fact that when my child asked for access to a therapist I did the work to find one for them. Yes it took a year to find someone in network who was taking new clients… but we got there! So realistically I shouldn’t have this fear, but I do. Because I know how much his actions hurt and stunted my emotional growth, and I never want to hurt anyone like that.

Its an irrational fear. I know this. But it doesn’t make it any easier. I know I’m not actually going to turn into him. But I also know my potential for causing harm, and I know my potential for cutting people off instead of facing difficult situations. Back when he was having heart issues and was trying to convince everyone he was actively dying, he was doing everything in his power to make everyone mad at him, trying to drive us away. I assume that he was trying to protect us from grief… or he was trying to make himself a martyr. Either way, he caused emotional harm to all of us.

I still haven’t figured out if any of what I’ve experienced means that I’m trans or not. But that isn’t an answer I need to have right this second… having been able to identify a fear is a big enough step for today. And I’m giving myself the grace to not have all the answers today.