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Expectations
Expectations are just desires dressed up in formal wear and I hate getting dressed up, especially formally. So many expectations that I’d fall short of. So much judgement. Too much? Not enough?
I’m not built for “meeting expectations” anymore. And I have no hope of meeting expectations that I don’t know exist.
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I’ve been fluid in most aspects of my life for so long, changing to suit the need, shapeshifting into expectations, that I don’t know what I look like anymore. I don’t know what desires, feelings, “needs”, are mine or performance for the sake of acceptance.
I feel like all I do is mirror energy of those I interact with, meeting them where they are. Never finding my own footing or figuring out where I am.
It feels like every expression of “self” is me testing the boundaries of the acceptance of those who profess to care.
Its Hard Feeling Like I Don’t Have Anyone To Take Big Things To. (Positive or Negative)
I need someone I can be anchored by while I also anchor them.
Someone who can, and wants to, devote as much to me as I devote to them.
Someone who will show up for me when times feel damn near impossible to overcome, AND when I want to dance in the kitchen to a tune that might only exist in my head.
Someone who will let me show up for them when they feel devastated by the shit life dealt that day AND on the days when they are as content as a cat in a sunbeam.
Someone who will let me learn the intricacies of how they move through the world, not to understand the “why” but to understand where I can fit in that motion in a supportive way.
What do I want?
Enthusiastic Acceptance - of who I am and the fact that I’m still becoming. Willingness/eagerness to grow and become WITH me, even when I struggle along the way. understanding that how I move through the world isn’t always aesthetically pleasing, I dance like a drunken elephant and sing like a deaf rooster, I have big feelings that I’m afraid to let out of this person-shaped bottle. Desire to see me and coax my truth out of hiding, gently, compassionately, firmly when I’m stubborn (because I am stubborn). Understanding that my devotion isn’t fleeting, it is encompassing and eternal.
Understanding - That not every one of my big emotions needs someone to solve it for me, often I just need to talk it out to see the picture better so I can see the solution myself. Venting is part of my problem solving process.
Hayati
Sometimes I feel foolish, hollow, a ghost of myself. I’m still trying to figure out what myself even looks like. I just know how it feels when I realize I’m performing or trying to fit into someone’s box of “acceptable”. Anything that excites my inner child is a pretty clear indication of authenticity, I just need to be able to slow down enough to feel them consistently.
I’ve learned to let my guard down, I’ve shed my armor. I’m revealing the facets, the voices, old and new because something in me has finally woken up. But being so vulnerable leaves me open to being hurt by uncertainty and inconsistency, while I’m already burning my world down. Sometimes I wonder if its all in vane, and I hate that I still feel like I need validation.
This is just going to live here as my footer until it’s no longer true!