as a CIS, straight white woman? (8/18/25 Wow how things have changed!)

I see and acknowledge my unworthy societal privilege in being born into a melanin deficient body, to melanin deficient parents.

I see and acknowledge the societal privilege in being in a relationship that is not questioned or legislated by the government.

I see that while I am a white woman in a hetero-normative relationship, I present myself in a very androgenous way. I hesitate to use the phrase mis-gendered in my experiences, but I guess that is really what it was. Back when I worked in retail I would inevitably get misgendered by a male customer with a child in tow. The child would get it right, the father would address me as masculine, and I would intentionally raise the tone of my voice to a more feminine sound to respond. This always resulted in back peddling and apologetics but I never reacted negatively, just giving them enough food for thought that maybe the won’t be so hasty to jump to conclusions.

I keep my hair short for aesthetic, convenience, and medical reasons. I don’t wear makeup, because it feels weird on my skin and makes me self conscious. I dress in men’s clothing because I grew up wearing boys clothing because it was less expensive and now I just prefer the way it fits… except for jeans, because men’s jeans don’t accommodate for having hips and ass.

I am butch, I often have aggressively spikey hair and I perfected my RBF before it had a name. But up until a few years ago I didn’t think about labels or that I could be anything other than an odd straight white woman who just wanted to be accepted. But by this point I was married and had a 17 year old child.

On a long drive home from visiting with my sister with my child, the topic of one of my co-workers was brought up. I talked frequently enough about her and her wife that my child knew her by name and had met her at least once back when I could bring people into our office.

My child knew that my friend/co-worker was in a same sex marriage, but the question that was posed caught me off guard for a moment. “Is Brit gay or bi?” she inquired.

I pondered this for a moment, recollecting what I knew of her past “She’s had boyfriends in the pas, but I think if you were to ask her now, she would describe herself as a lesbian.”

That is how the conversation started, I don’t remember the contents of the middle but it was clear that she was trying desperately to tell me something without verbalizing it. There were tears and by the time we were almost home we were both nearly loosing our voices. I finally stopped her “I think you’re trying to tell me that you’re a lesbian.”

“You’re half right” she said drawing in a breath “I think I’m bi.”

I think the fact that I had a feeling since she has started school and how underwhelming my reaction was nearly broke her. But that was the fact of the matter. At a birthday party I overheard a conversation between her and a few of her Kindergarten (soon to be first grade) friends and thought “OMG my kid might be gay!” and my immediate thought after that was “So what?! You’re going to love her no matter what unexpected curve balls this life throws at you, just like you refused to risk her life for the doctors to determine if she had down syndrome.” And that was the end of it, I reaffirmed my silent vow to her that day and was able to verbally reaffirm it to her 10 or 11 years later on that long and significant car ride.

But that car ride and subsequent conversations made me question things about myself. Yes I was in what I viewed as a committed long term relationship with a man, but I could finally admit that I found some women attractive, even though I never thought to act on it. My child told me that it doesn’t matter if I would act on it or not, but still the label doesn’t feel right. Mainly because I find people attractive once I get to know them, and that attraction knows no boundaries of gender identity.

I can’t really describe myself as straight or CIS anymore, since I’m exploring my attractions AND realizing that I’m gender fluid. Calling myself a lesbian seems like it doesn’t encompass enough of what I’m experiencing, but its the language I’ll use for now because its easy to understand and doesn’t elicit as many questions.

I’m trying to understand my gender fluidity, like really understand it, in a way that I can explain it. But its not easy to describe something that the language is so new for, or perhaps still doesn’t fully exist. Inquiries are made from the perspective of the binary, while this extends beyond that limitation.

For me its less about “feeling” masculine or feminine and more about the tone of my internal dialogue. My own internal voice, which takes on the masculine or feminine depending on the situation I find myself in. They are both my voice, even if they sound different and interact with the world differently than each other. They each have their specialties.

My androgyny affords me a certain amount of “shapeshifting”, though tailoring my “costume” to fit the persona is something I still struggle with.