Everyone I've come out to as a gender fluid lesbian has basically just been like "oh, you're just figuring this out?" about the sexuality, and completely glossing over the gender fluidity.

My own mother is so hung up on the idea of the physical aspects of lesbian relationships that there are times that I just have to walk away. I’ve tried to explain that intimacy looks different for a lot of people. For me it looks different depending on the person, because MOST of the intimacy that I experience isn’t sexual or even romantic. Its about being able to be vulnerable without fear, which manifests itself in SO MANY different ways.

She’s so hung up on it that I don’t think she even remembers that I told her I was gender fluid. In fact there are only 3 people who have asked me about my pronouns, even since coming out. Especially since coming out.

Up until recently I hadn’t considered altering my pronouns. Not because I particularly identify with my femininity, but because it’s familiar and comfortable, like an old hoodie that in spite of being frayed and threadbare, you just can’t part with it for reasons sentimental or otherwise unexplainable.

In the last month I've realized that my femininity seems to have only ever been active as a performance for my ex, and now that I'm actively avoiding emotional interaction with him, it feels like my femininity has completely shut down. Used to, it was situational, there was an ebb and flow, a duality to it. But now… my voice doesn’t soften when I talk to him, I’m not making myself smaller or quieter at work, all things that I started to become hyper aware of as I was realizing I was no longer attracted to him, have ceased.

I know that if feels like I’ve completely lost touch with my femininity, but I don’t know what that really means. And I don’t know that I miss it.

I’ve heard that expectations are the leading cause of disappointment, and that assumptions lead to resentment.

But how does one clear up assumptions if communication doesn’t occur? Really… there is no clearing that up. And it’s hard to avoid making assumptions when all you are left with is your own interpretations and imagination. Its not a good combination.

Self doubt, regret, anger, etc. All things that spring forth from soil nourished with assumptions.