The prospect of growing past grief and guilt is a daunting prospect indeed. It has been such an intense part of the past 2 years, its familiarity almost has comfort. Almost.
The processing of it causes change.
The deeper I dive into things previously undisturbed in my past, the more truths and realizations surface, and the more duality I see in myself. Most of these realizations through memories come from conversations with others. Introspection through conversation…
Something I’ve realized recently is how much of the little things that used to bring me joy, I have put away. Little things, like the earrings that I stopped wearing after my MRI in 2022 because I was just going to have to keep taking them out and it was easier to just not wear them.
I lost my ear cuffs when I was in a car accident nearly 20 years ago. The impact was so hard that it blew the ear cuffs and the backs of my earrings off. The studs were still in my ears when I got to the hospital though, Joe took them and kept him in his wallet for a month before I realized they were gone. The backings and cuffs were never seen again.
My leather wrist band with the tooled leather that has been worn for more years than I can remember and has formed to the shape of my wrist. Recently for months at a time it would sit on my nightstand because it would cause irritation if I was sitting at a computer typing (which is most of my job these days). When I used to wear it daily, it absorbed the body oil fragrance I used to wear (and still do on occasion) so now when it is warmed by body heat the aroma of warm leather combines with patchouli musk in an intoxicating way. In the past year it got tangled up with costume accessories, I find that I’ve missed its familiar pressure on my left wrist.
The brass custom stamped coin that I used to wear as predictably as some wear crosses is another of these items. It has a dragon on the front facing out and the knot of love on the face that I keep against my skin. I’ve had it for nearly 25 years. It was taken off around the time my daughter was born, probably for the same reasons that I didn’t put the earrings back in right after the accident. I would bring it out from time to time, but never like before.
I think at one time I put these things away because they felt like armor that I didn’t need or didn’t want because they reminded me of things I didn’t want to remember or didn’t want to think about. But they are symbols of me, my past, and my experiences even if they don’t mean anything to anyone else. They reconnect me to forgotten or neglected parts of myself that I’m learning to love and accept. There is a lot, and it takes time, but I don’t want to have regrets.
