My friend and chosen brother was put into hospice care 2 days ago. His mother says that his expiration has been accelerated from the original 3-4 weeks, now I’m being told that he won’t see the end of next week (I don’t know what I’ll feel if we lose him on my birthday).

My husband was set to drive across the country to be with him, if only for a couple of days. But our mutual friend’s mother is certain Joe wouldn’t get there in time if he was to proceed with his timeline of pre-trip vehicle maintenance.

Our friend’s mother isn’t able to be with him during his last days, but his step-father and half-siblings are going to be with him for a little while. She is staying home with her disabled youngest. THAT has got to be one of the single most difficult decisions to make! My heart shatters for her, no parent should ever have to bury their child not even a grown one.

To say this world is unfair would be an understatement for so many more reasons that just this, but this is what is at the front of my mind at present. Perhaps you grow weary of my continuing saga mourning my friend, even before he passes. I don’t write this for you. I write this out of the love I’ve had for him since we were children, the fun and the fear, the stresses of growing up and the revelry of friendship, and for my own sanity. In the last 10 years my husband and I have experienced more loss from our immediate circle than it sometimes seems possible to carry. And sometimes it seems like life would be easier without connections.

He doesn’t process grief well, so I need an outlet to allow me to be there for him. He hasn’t been able to cry, maybe he’s overwhelmed or maybe its the antidepressants he’s on. I’ve been crying enough for the both of us, unfortunately it seems like when he sees me cry, he hardens his emotions in an effort to support me.

I’ve been texting our friend pretty consistently since I found out his phone had been turned back on, but I’ve not gotten a response. Yesterday his mom relayed a message from his sister who is visiting with him in hospice care. She read all the messages to him. She says he hasn’t used his phone in forever because he can’t use one of his hands, and now he can barely see and isn’t really coherent, but she says he felt the love in the messages. I don’t know how she knows. I’m sure she’s saying that just so we feel like our outpouring of emotion has been acknowledged, and in some way it just makes me feel worse.

I’ve invited his mother and youngest half-sibling to have dinner with us since they will be in an empty house starting today. Its been a few years since I’ve seen them, 5 at LEAST. I want to be here for his mother, especially if I can’t be there for him. I know she has her children and husband to support her too, but this feels important. My gut, my heart, and my intuition tell me this is something I need to do. And I need to listen to my intuition more.

My friends who do not know him, offer their prayers. I know they mean well, but it feels hallow in ways beyond the scope of my expression. But I also understand that people offer prayer when they feel like they wish they could do something tangible but cannot (People also offer prayers when there is something they should do, but will not… this is not one of those times). I tell them not to pray for me, and I know that prayer for some miraculous recovery is a waste of time and energy, so I tell them to pray that his suffering will end soon.

With every death revolving around a medical issue that we are incapable of solving, I’m brought back to this same thought, time and time again. We euthanize our pets to limit and ease their suffering because it is the “humane” thing to do. But when our loved ones suffer in the same way all we can do is make them “comfortable” by essentially drugging them while we watch the life slowly and agonizingly drain out of them. I don’t think that people realize that if someone is put into hospice care and can not take food and water by mouth you have signed them up to starve and dehydrate to death.

If I’m ever in that situation, I don’t want it to drag out like I’ve seen happen with my father. Put a lethal dose of potassium straight into my IV and give us all peace. I don’t know that they use potassium, but there are some states that have a law allowing people with terminal illness to request through their doctor the ability to die with dignity, but this request is done in advance and by the patient. Unfortunately none of the situations that I’ve experienced would fall under this, and we do not live in one of the states that allow it.

Sometimes I wonder, what’s the point in having friends if they are just going to rip your heart out when they die. I’ve got friends across the country that I’ve long feared I will never get to meet in person (not counting video chats). And now I’m forming connections with people across the globe.

But a solitary life doesn’t fulfill me, so I’ll keep making connections as fleeting as they may be.

Have you been touched by loss? Do you have any words of wisdom or advice for coping with it?