In 2012 I was diagnosed with migraines and the meds they gave me as a preventative REALLY messed with my memory, like I had to take pictures of where I’d parked my car when I went to the grocery store.

At some point I fell back in to my old habit of smoking cigarettes, and oddly discovered that my migraines we occurring less frequently. After a little digging I encountered studies that were using low doses of nicotine to counteract brain issues, primarily things like dementia but migraines was on the list. Unfortunately I couldn’t justify smoking for “the health of it” so in October of 2013 I followed my father’s lead and took up vaping as a smoking alternative and have never looked back.

Back in early 2016 I was introduced to a group of vapers who hosted live video broadcasts, there was an entire network with a weekly schedule with specific shows coming on in specific time slots the same days every week. I was hooked, they were entertaining, and just raunchy enough. And the audience could interact by not only chatting but they could also get on the “side cams”. I became friends with one of the broadcasters, and was a loyal fan attending every show. I was eventually invited to be a full time co-host. And while we’ve gained and lost additional co-hosts, left 2 networks and created 2 networks we’ve become close friends through the joys and sorrows that life has thrown at us.

This was my first experience with any kind of long distance online friendship. We are “best friends who haven’t met”.

Some people would say that this kind of friendship isn’t as fulfilling as having a friend you can physically reach out to and hug, I know my parents didn’t understand it. But those online relationships kept me pretty grounded through the pandemic. We were a group who were already accustomed to gaming remotely as we were spread from coast to coast, its like nothing had changed for our dynamic.

We live in a digital era where “virtual” relationships are just as important as the in-person ones. I value my long time friends that I’ve known since around Kindergarten just as much as my online friends who I have shared so much of my more recent life with.

I find myself on the precipice of a new digital relationship expansion. Substack has caused a weird explosion of social interaction that I didn’t know I needed, interaction with people who I would never have met otherwise.

Sure, its just the algorithm doing what its programed to do… But if feels weirdly organic. It feels like I’m being guided to all the places that I need to be, meeting all the people who I need to meet, its like I’m being spoon fed inspiration.

Inspiration to write has been a huge one! Inspiration to read! And inspiration to share love and appreciation with the people behind the publications that I enjoy. Inspiration to be open and inspiration to be in community. For someone who has built emotional walls around them selves all their life, being this open takes a lot. But laying my emotions bare, in words on digital canvas has been a welcome liberation.

So thank you, to all of my old friends, IRL and digital (one of which does read my publication… love you Minx!), and all of my new friends I’ve found here. Thank you for the support, your kind words and encouragement. And yes, eventually I will move beyond writing so much about grief.